Love versus Sex – in life and in writing

Morning, all.

gay-couple-kissingI’m currently writing a “taboo” story, which is the first book I’ve written where my characters fall in love before they have their “first time” together. Usually my stories follow the order of lust, sex, and love. So, while I was trying to write the boys’ first sex scene, I pondered on what was making it so difficult to write.

Some of you will no doubt have read some of my books. The first one published, Conflicted, had so much sex in it, I know a few people will have skipped a few pages. Subsequent books had two or three “scenes” at most, and I have to say that after 2 years published, the more I read, the more I prefer plot to porn. I do love to read sex scenes, but not when there’s, like, ten of them in one book.

So, back to the point here. I suspect I’m in the minority with this view, but it’s one I’ve had all my life and I can’t pinpoint any reason for it. “Making love” makes me cringe. I hate the expression and I can remember my very first boyfriend (I was a late starter at almost 19), and he used to refer to our fun as “making love” and I’d be like, “Ewww!” I didn’t say that to him, but I inwardly shuddered. Maybe I didn’t really love him? I don’t know. I had a lot of fun with him while trying to avoid being caught by my parents who I still lived with – the car, the beach, the garden shed, and so on. It only lasted about 5 months. Later I was in a 3-year abusive relationship where the sex was great, but nothing else was. He used to refer to it as “shagging”, “bonking”, “screwing”, and all manner of other common expressions, which I was quite happy with and used myself. And later still, another just-over-a-year relationship where the guy was soppy, romantic, and insisted on using “that expression” again – making love. Again, “Ewww.” And that time I did voice my disapproval of the expression.

Why I’m like this, I have no clue. I felt the same when I was married and with that guy for 9 years. I just don’t like the expression. To me, the “act” is about physical gratification so yes, I know how weird that makes me, and if it had stemmed from the abusive relationship I could have maybe understood that, but it goes back way before that. Who knows? Maybe there’s something wrong with me.

So, to my writing. A very brief outline of a few of my published works follow the same pattern:

Conflicted – boy hates boy, boy discovers boy is gay and trying to hide it, boy admits he’s gay too, gets attracted to boy and has sex, later tries to deny it, and later still discovers a relationship wouldn’t be so bad. Love comes towards the end.

The Eye of the Beholder – boy meets vampire, coaxes vampire into falling for him in order to get free of a spell, vampire sleeps with boy in desperation to try to make him fall in love, real love comes very much later.

Beyond The Scars – boy escapes abusive relationship, sleeps around with everyone who’ll pay him attention, and eventually starts relationship with older man, sex comes before love.

Beautiful Thunder – boy meets boy, lust ensues, sex follows, love comes later.

Favorite Toy – boy meets boy, both only looking for one-night-stand, sex follows, eventually they reluctantly try dating and fall for each other.

On The Outside – boy meets boy in prison (story starts after boy is released). Boy 2 is released and turns up on boy’s doorstep. They’d been having sex in prison for months and pretending it was relief from desperation. Sex happens again “on the outside” and eventually they fall for each other.

05333f7d374223137307779e622cc895So there’s just a few of them. And Separation, my taboo story (twins) is basically – adopted twin finds out on 21st birthday that he has a twin. They meet and quickly connect, feeling that what has always been missing from their lives has now been found. Each feels an attraction to the other and denies it until they have a “moment”. Again, they deny it, fight it, avoid each other, and pretend it never happened. Their twin relationship draws them back together and they eventually talk. They love each other the way they’re supposed to, but by the time much happens between them, they also love each other in the way they’re “not supposed to”, in their words. So the sex scene, I’m writing? Yeah, that’s really difficult. Firstly because they’re already in love, and secondly because I’m trying not to make it sound gratuitous or kinky, given their relationship.

Thoughts? What’s your view on “making love” versus “having sex”? Are they different things? Are they the same thing with that someone special? I’d welcome opinions whether different to my own odd one, or similar ones and why you think like that 🙂

Louise xx


4 thoughts on “Love versus Sex – in life and in writing

  1. To me making love is tender and gentle and soft with lots of kissing and stroking. Sex is harder and rougher and faster and more self gratifying. I do both of them for different reasons with the man I love!

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  2. Not weird at all. If we were all the same, and had the same views on love, sex, and relationships, the world would be boring.

    Personally, I love the phrase. I really need a specific type of connection to another person, and as someone with a disability which makes me touch-averse, I need that gentleness. Like the previous comment says, I see it as two different kinds of things.

    In writing, I tend to use words that I think are true to the people in question. However they would refer to sex acts or relationships, that’s what I use. But there’s no correct way, in real life or in fiction. It’s interesting–the two times I tried to aim for “commercially appealing” when it came to relationships/sex, people actually hated the books. When I write what feels true and honest to myself, the vast majority of responses I get are positive, regardless of how I describe love, sex, and the relationship.

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    1. Thank you for your comments. I know what you mean about trying to be appealing while not being true to yourself. I’ve done that too, and am now not happy with the end results of the books.

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      1. Gah, yes!!!!! As much as readers did not like those two books, I think I hated them even more. I never felt an emotional connection with them. I need that with my books as much as I need it with people, LOL. When I got negative reviews on them, I was upset not because people didn’t like the books but because I knew they were right. My heart was missing from the story. :/

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